Well if you know anything about me, you know I am completely in love with my dog. He has got to be the cutest thing to ever walk the planet. I love that pup, and I have never really been a huge animal person before, especially when it comes to cats. Every since a cat trying to cut my head off in my sleep when I was 14, my distain for them has been heavy. So when my husband and my best friend became our roommate, I immediately regretted the decision to get him that one-eyed cat from the shelter. Because now she was living in my house and hated my dog.
After the first time I saw her swat my dog our relationship became tense. There was no love between the two of us, and it worked, until my husband told me about how he said "we" offered up to keep the cat over the summer. I was, needless to say, annoyed but I let it go and wanted to help out our friend.
Then she got sick. We took her to the vet for what was seemingly something small and after being told she was fine, she lost control of her body and we rushed her to the vet to be told we weren't going home with a cat. It was sad, but I think the worst part for me was this automatic assumption that something was wrong. There had to be something more to it, like a poison in the house and I was for sure that I would be able to finally know it wasn't my fault that we lost the baby.
NOW STOP.
I get it. It's not my fault. But there is ALWAYS no matter what anyone says, there will always be a small idea in my head that I could have stopped this from happening. It doesn't have to be something negative, it's just fact. I don't think it's my fault, but a small part of me always will.
MOVING ON.
I was on an information high. I came home and google searched every disease that can cause miscarriages and that are also cat killers. And the fact of the matter is I found pretty much nothing. I found a couple diseases that were obscure but maybe in some far off universe would fit. But then came the breakdown. The cat and its weird mystery illness sent me back to a place where I thought I was strong enough to handle why. Why me? Why us? Why our baby?
So we all know God works in mysterious ways. Well for the next two days I spent in an inner turmoil. I was cranky and mad again. Then I went to a good friend of mine baby shower. Let's be honest it wasn't easy, and that's a little bit of an understatement. Seeing her pull out all the cute little outfits and the joy of seeing all the ultrasound pictures. Imagine the pain that pierces your heart having to see someone else enjoy what you wanted so bad and lost so quickly and violently. But life has to move forward... so I stayed and smiled and laughed.
Then God worked. My friend's mom came up to me and said how sorry she was to hear about us loosing the baby. She had lost her husband about four years ago and sat there for twenty minutes just telling me exactly what I needed to hear. She reminded me of God's love and his promise to take care of his people. But the thing she said that was clearly God was about our constant pursuit for why. We have this desire to know why, and while we think we are ready for it, God knows when we can't. By constantly searching for an answer I'm forgetting to stop and just let God be God. I may never know why, but my faith in God has to built on a foundation that God will deliver me. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot move forward without God, and I don't want to. Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Yes this is so hard, but God is bigger than this. I am having a hard time sitting here wondering why, but my faith is put in him that his hands are holding me through this. That my heavenly father is more than situation and that this situation will glorify him. I deserve to cry, I deserve to breakdown. But I will not break; for my God is there. And he knows why. The only thing I NEED to know is him.
I strongly believe that "God never gives you more than you can handle" is the biggest lie. God always gives us more than we can handle but that is because we need him. This is more than I can handle. So I can face it alone or I can lift my hands in surrender to him. I chose surrender and pray that my small works glorify him.
On a side note, we decided to name the baby. Her name is Ruth. I think Ruth is a old lady name, but looking at the Ruth of the bible it's perfect. Ruth was obedient and she never asked why because she knew God was there for her. She patiently waited for God to lead her where she needed to be. This is what my Ruth is teaching us everyday. I love her. She is so beautiful.
Well this was a lot. And getting all the details was a struggle but I hope this speaks glory to God, and that the truth of the situation will prevail.
After the first time I saw her swat my dog our relationship became tense. There was no love between the two of us, and it worked, until my husband told me about how he said "we" offered up to keep the cat over the summer. I was, needless to say, annoyed but I let it go and wanted to help out our friend.
Then she got sick. We took her to the vet for what was seemingly something small and after being told she was fine, she lost control of her body and we rushed her to the vet to be told we weren't going home with a cat. It was sad, but I think the worst part for me was this automatic assumption that something was wrong. There had to be something more to it, like a poison in the house and I was for sure that I would be able to finally know it wasn't my fault that we lost the baby.
NOW STOP.
I get it. It's not my fault. But there is ALWAYS no matter what anyone says, there will always be a small idea in my head that I could have stopped this from happening. It doesn't have to be something negative, it's just fact. I don't think it's my fault, but a small part of me always will.
MOVING ON.
I was on an information high. I came home and google searched every disease that can cause miscarriages and that are also cat killers. And the fact of the matter is I found pretty much nothing. I found a couple diseases that were obscure but maybe in some far off universe would fit. But then came the breakdown. The cat and its weird mystery illness sent me back to a place where I thought I was strong enough to handle why. Why me? Why us? Why our baby?
So we all know God works in mysterious ways. Well for the next two days I spent in an inner turmoil. I was cranky and mad again. Then I went to a good friend of mine baby shower. Let's be honest it wasn't easy, and that's a little bit of an understatement. Seeing her pull out all the cute little outfits and the joy of seeing all the ultrasound pictures. Imagine the pain that pierces your heart having to see someone else enjoy what you wanted so bad and lost so quickly and violently. But life has to move forward... so I stayed and smiled and laughed.
Then God worked. My friend's mom came up to me and said how sorry she was to hear about us loosing the baby. She had lost her husband about four years ago and sat there for twenty minutes just telling me exactly what I needed to hear. She reminded me of God's love and his promise to take care of his people. But the thing she said that was clearly God was about our constant pursuit for why. We have this desire to know why, and while we think we are ready for it, God knows when we can't. By constantly searching for an answer I'm forgetting to stop and just let God be God. I may never know why, but my faith in God has to built on a foundation that God will deliver me. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot move forward without God, and I don't want to. Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Yes this is so hard, but God is bigger than this. I am having a hard time sitting here wondering why, but my faith is put in him that his hands are holding me through this. That my heavenly father is more than situation and that this situation will glorify him. I deserve to cry, I deserve to breakdown. But I will not break; for my God is there. And he knows why. The only thing I NEED to know is him.
I strongly believe that "God never gives you more than you can handle" is the biggest lie. God always gives us more than we can handle but that is because we need him. This is more than I can handle. So I can face it alone or I can lift my hands in surrender to him. I chose surrender and pray that my small works glorify him.
On a side note, we decided to name the baby. Her name is Ruth. I think Ruth is a old lady name, but looking at the Ruth of the bible it's perfect. Ruth was obedient and she never asked why because she knew God was there for her. She patiently waited for God to lead her where she needed to be. This is what my Ruth is teaching us everyday. I love her. She is so beautiful.
Well this was a lot. And getting all the details was a struggle but I hope this speaks glory to God, and that the truth of the situation will prevail.
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