For me, blogging has just not been my thing. I have a hard time getting out there and really saying more than what will fit in my Facebook status because I'm afraid. It's pretty much as simple as that, I don't think people will take me seriously. I can't really say that I give a lot of reason for people to take me seriously to be honest though. So why am I doing it? Honestly I just can't be silent anymore.
Here's the story.
In 2009, one of my closest friends was killed in a car accident. There it is the major trauma that shaped who I am. This was my freshman year of college and also what I consider the most awful and influential year of my life. When all this happened, I found myself with nowhere to turn but to Jesus. The loneliness was the worst, and when I finally realized that Jesus was there my life turned into serving him with everything I have. I started over, new town, new school, new life, and I dedicated it to Jesus. After this point things became amazing, I had great friends, I had an awesome ministry on campus, I met my now-husband, and found that Jesus was really calling this family to ministry. Yeah not everything was perfect but life was good.
In March of this year, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first child. While this was really unexpected it was also extremely exciting. We always wanted to be young parents and we knew God was going to take care of us not matter the situation. I cried and called my mom, who was extremely supportive and loving and then I called my sister in disbelief, and she was excited to be an aunt. But a little part of me was extremely uneasy.
I have a condition that makes getting pregnant hard, but not always impossible, so to find out how quickly we got pregnant; this was very shocking. But we were as ready as we could be mentally, which I truly believe was far from ready.
A couple days after my five pregnancy tests showed I was pregnant, I started bleeding. I freaked out and went straight to the ER, where the visit was awful. The ultrasound couldn't find a baby anywhere, where it should be or shouldn't be but the blood tests were exactly how they should be. This was so hard to hear. They couldn't give me any good news, instead they said to go see an actual baby doctor on Monday and get some more blood work and telling me the gruesome statistics on how many women miscarry. So I spent the next couple days just really upset and couldn't believe this was happening. I was so scared for this gift from God.
I went to the doctor on monday, and I explained everything and she ordered me and ultrasound, that was the first day we got to see the baby. We found out we were about five weeks along and while yes it looked like a blob, that was our baby. It was smiling at me, it had a personality, it was ours and I fell in love. The ultrasound attendant gave us a picture and I sent it to my family and hung it on my fridge. That little baby was quickly becoming my life. I prayed with my whole heart that God would keep this baby safe and I prayed that I wouldn't learn the lesson of loosing a child.
At 8 weeks, I was still bleeding and so this appointment was big. We would either see the heartbeat that day or we would get closer to realizing this bleeding was not as normal as all the websites said. My husband (Patrick) and I went into the ultrasound room that day extremely anxious and ready for anything. The moment the ultrasound machine showed up on the screen, there it was our baby, with a heart beating 120 beats per minute, like a champ! All this stress and worry immediately dropped off my shoulders and I was on the verge of tears. All I could do was look at Patrick and then look at the heart and then look at Patrick and then look at the heart. I missed almost everything the technician was saying, but I didn't care. After seeing the heartbeat the chances of loosing the baby go down from 50% to 2-5%. This was happening. That baby was happening. It was living and it's heart was beating. I started to actually get excited instead of nervous. I was ready instead of scared. And I was happy instead of worried. That was our baby and I was ready for it to be our life.
At about 10 weeks, the bleeding got a little worse. So I called my doctor and she said to come in and let's check things out. She didn't seem too worried and the bleeding wasn't terrible so I went to the doctor by myself (and with much reluctancy from my husband). They took me back into the ultrasound room and something was wrong. When the screen showed the baby, there wasn't life. That rapid beating heart wasn't there. The talkative technician was silent, and I held back the tears. After what seemed like an eternity, she turned off the screen and said "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I know it's not fair." I erupted in tears and barely mustered the courage to say thank you to her. She told me to take my time and the room was mine until I wanted to leave.
My heart was broken. My husband's heart was broken. My family's heart was broken. Telling people hurt, because it was me realizing over and over again that it was happening. This baby that was full of life and the light of my life, was gone. Just like that. My baby was gone. And I was so mad.
I can literally say that the time after this was and still is the hardest and worst days of my life. No one talks about the weeks after the baby is gone, and the gruesome days of "getting rid of the tissue". One day you are talking about decorations for the nursery; the next day you are literally flushing pieces down the toilet. It was the worst and most horrifying time of my life. The worst part, there is no answer. People tried, and I knew this, but there was nothing anyone could say that would make this better. My heart was broken, and there was no way to put it back together.
The thing I think that hurt the most, was my prayers to God to keep this baby safe were unanswered. The thing I prayed for so hard, God let that happen. I didn't understand. My husband and I are huge into the pro-life movement, we spend a lot of our time trying to help women considering abortion to better options. So why our baby?? Our baby who we wanted to bring into the world to glorify God, to love and understand people, and to help the needy, OUR BABY?!?!? Why not someone who wanted to abort their baby? Why us? This was the hardest thing to think. I don't think we can always see God's plan but where does good come from this??? Why break my heart? Why break our hearts? Why stop the baby's heart? This went through my head for a long time, and honestly five weeks later still does at least once a day.
I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I cry once a day, even to today. I don't understand. I don't see good in this awful situation. But I know God is bigger than my understanding, I would be lying to say I am not having a hard time seeing God in this. But I know even though my eyes fail, his presence is bigger, he is bigger than the situation I face, and his Glory will be seen. I am mad at this! I don't pray about this anymore, I am duking it out with God everyday, and he lays his hand on me and he sees my heart break. I keep holding on, because giving up on God because I am mad doesn't gain me anything. I just give up the ultimate healer. Not believing in God or giving up on God doesn't bring my baby back. Giving up on God takes whatever glory can come from this situation and makes my suffering in vain. I want to use this situation, no matter how much it hurts, because not to use this baby as a way to glorify God, is not only disrespectful to God, but also to my beautiful baby it makes her life meaningless.
Here's the story.
In 2009, one of my closest friends was killed in a car accident. There it is the major trauma that shaped who I am. This was my freshman year of college and also what I consider the most awful and influential year of my life. When all this happened, I found myself with nowhere to turn but to Jesus. The loneliness was the worst, and when I finally realized that Jesus was there my life turned into serving him with everything I have. I started over, new town, new school, new life, and I dedicated it to Jesus. After this point things became amazing, I had great friends, I had an awesome ministry on campus, I met my now-husband, and found that Jesus was really calling this family to ministry. Yeah not everything was perfect but life was good.
In March of this year, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first child. While this was really unexpected it was also extremely exciting. We always wanted to be young parents and we knew God was going to take care of us not matter the situation. I cried and called my mom, who was extremely supportive and loving and then I called my sister in disbelief, and she was excited to be an aunt. But a little part of me was extremely uneasy.
I have a condition that makes getting pregnant hard, but not always impossible, so to find out how quickly we got pregnant; this was very shocking. But we were as ready as we could be mentally, which I truly believe was far from ready.
A couple days after my five pregnancy tests showed I was pregnant, I started bleeding. I freaked out and went straight to the ER, where the visit was awful. The ultrasound couldn't find a baby anywhere, where it should be or shouldn't be but the blood tests were exactly how they should be. This was so hard to hear. They couldn't give me any good news, instead they said to go see an actual baby doctor on Monday and get some more blood work and telling me the gruesome statistics on how many women miscarry. So I spent the next couple days just really upset and couldn't believe this was happening. I was so scared for this gift from God.
I went to the doctor on monday, and I explained everything and she ordered me and ultrasound, that was the first day we got to see the baby. We found out we were about five weeks along and while yes it looked like a blob, that was our baby. It was smiling at me, it had a personality, it was ours and I fell in love. The ultrasound attendant gave us a picture and I sent it to my family and hung it on my fridge. That little baby was quickly becoming my life. I prayed with my whole heart that God would keep this baby safe and I prayed that I wouldn't learn the lesson of loosing a child.
At 8 weeks, I was still bleeding and so this appointment was big. We would either see the heartbeat that day or we would get closer to realizing this bleeding was not as normal as all the websites said. My husband (Patrick) and I went into the ultrasound room that day extremely anxious and ready for anything. The moment the ultrasound machine showed up on the screen, there it was our baby, with a heart beating 120 beats per minute, like a champ! All this stress and worry immediately dropped off my shoulders and I was on the verge of tears. All I could do was look at Patrick and then look at the heart and then look at Patrick and then look at the heart. I missed almost everything the technician was saying, but I didn't care. After seeing the heartbeat the chances of loosing the baby go down from 50% to 2-5%. This was happening. That baby was happening. It was living and it's heart was beating. I started to actually get excited instead of nervous. I was ready instead of scared. And I was happy instead of worried. That was our baby and I was ready for it to be our life.
At about 10 weeks, the bleeding got a little worse. So I called my doctor and she said to come in and let's check things out. She didn't seem too worried and the bleeding wasn't terrible so I went to the doctor by myself (and with much reluctancy from my husband). They took me back into the ultrasound room and something was wrong. When the screen showed the baby, there wasn't life. That rapid beating heart wasn't there. The talkative technician was silent, and I held back the tears. After what seemed like an eternity, she turned off the screen and said "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I know it's not fair." I erupted in tears and barely mustered the courage to say thank you to her. She told me to take my time and the room was mine until I wanted to leave.
My heart was broken. My husband's heart was broken. My family's heart was broken. Telling people hurt, because it was me realizing over and over again that it was happening. This baby that was full of life and the light of my life, was gone. Just like that. My baby was gone. And I was so mad.
I can literally say that the time after this was and still is the hardest and worst days of my life. No one talks about the weeks after the baby is gone, and the gruesome days of "getting rid of the tissue". One day you are talking about decorations for the nursery; the next day you are literally flushing pieces down the toilet. It was the worst and most horrifying time of my life. The worst part, there is no answer. People tried, and I knew this, but there was nothing anyone could say that would make this better. My heart was broken, and there was no way to put it back together.
The thing I think that hurt the most, was my prayers to God to keep this baby safe were unanswered. The thing I prayed for so hard, God let that happen. I didn't understand. My husband and I are huge into the pro-life movement, we spend a lot of our time trying to help women considering abortion to better options. So why our baby?? Our baby who we wanted to bring into the world to glorify God, to love and understand people, and to help the needy, OUR BABY?!?!? Why not someone who wanted to abort their baby? Why us? This was the hardest thing to think. I don't think we can always see God's plan but where does good come from this??? Why break my heart? Why break our hearts? Why stop the baby's heart? This went through my head for a long time, and honestly five weeks later still does at least once a day.
I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I cry once a day, even to today. I don't understand. I don't see good in this awful situation. But I know God is bigger than my understanding, I would be lying to say I am not having a hard time seeing God in this. But I know even though my eyes fail, his presence is bigger, he is bigger than the situation I face, and his Glory will be seen. I am mad at this! I don't pray about this anymore, I am duking it out with God everyday, and he lays his hand on me and he sees my heart break. I keep holding on, because giving up on God because I am mad doesn't gain me anything. I just give up the ultimate healer. Not believing in God or giving up on God doesn't bring my baby back. Giving up on God takes whatever glory can come from this situation and makes my suffering in vain. I want to use this situation, no matter how much it hurts, because not to use this baby as a way to glorify God, is not only disrespectful to God, but also to my beautiful baby it makes her life meaningless.
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